Xander's Playing Keyboard
by Ooglafina
Summary: Somehow the Buffy characters end up on Tatooine in The Phantom Menace. If you dont like wierd things then dont bother with it. r&r.


"Uno," Spike said as Obi-Wan Kenobi forgot & got down to one card.  
"I don't like playing this game with you," Obi-Wan said, taking more cards, "You give me the look."  
"What?" asked Spike as he looked at Rabe's cards, "You mean this look?" Spike made a face looking like he'd been kicked in the gut by a rabid cow that was giving birth.  
"No!" Obi-Wan said throwing his cards, "But that's much worse. Never do it again."  
Spike did it again.  
"How did you get here anyway?" asked Obi-Wan, "It's odd waking up to find a stranger in a previously empty cockpit."  
"I don't know how I got here, why are you asking me? I do know that I am very grateful that the girls thought me how to knit," he said holding up a neon pink sweater with three arms.  
"Never mind, just get your hands off the handmaidens! I'm going to go take a shower," Obi-Wan said turning off his lightsaber & walking out of the room.  
"What's wrong now?" said Spike as the handmaidens ran to a console & started watching the screen intently, "Now that's just wrong," Spike said looking at a naked Obi-Wan showering.  
"Hey it's our ship, not yours," said Eirbe as she hit the zoom, "You just flew out of our toilet."  
"I can't believe I'm letting you talk to me like that," Spike said inspecting a ration bar with disgust.  
"No hurting the handmaidens," Obi-Wan said taking Spike's ration bar & eating it, "Why were you threatening her?"  
"Well, I said that I thought it was bloody wrong that they watch you in the shower & she yelled so I yelled back. What do you use your Jedi powers to shower fast?"  
Obi-Wan thought on this as he stared at the ration bar, "They watch me bathe?" The handmaidens cleaned their way out of the room.  
  
"Lets go into town," Spike said putting on one of the Queen's headdresses.  
"I'm on orders to stay here and guard the ship."  
"Oh, bugger that," Spike said as he tried to get his hair unstuck, "This is the first alien planet I've been on in this series, & I want to see it."  
"Oh, you're in a series too?"  
"Yes," Spike said picking Obi-Wan's pocket, "Nit writer doesn't do a bloody thing right though."  
"Well, I guess I'll break orders for a fanfic story."  
  
"So where's the pub?" asked Spike as he tripped over a Jawa.  
"I've never been here before. How should I know? Ask a local."  
"I want to see you do your whole cloak & dagger bit. If I'm with a Jedi, I'm damn well gonna see him use his Jedi.thing."  
"It's not just a thing," said Obi-Wan playing with his lightsaber, "Anyways, I don't use the force to find pubs."  
"Well, oh, pious one, it looks like you've led us to the pub by accident," Spike said as he went to the counter to get drinks, "You want a virgin?"  
"Excuse me?" asked Obi-Wan, "I am quite sure that I do not want a virgin!"  
"Are you sure that you can handle it?"  
"I told you! I don't need a virgin!" Obi-Wan said as he nervously flipped his robes around.  
"Okay, don't go all tetchy on me," Spike said as he found them a table without too many outlaws at it, "A virgin could be good for you, but I prefer my drinks on the rocks."  
"Obi-Wan went a little pink & muttered, "Well I don't drink anyway."  
"Bloody hell," Spike said spilling his drink on a mechanoid that soon shorted out, "That keyboardist is rank!"  
Spike looked up to the stage to see none other than Xander playing the keyboard & looking stupid as Xander did all to often & well.  
"Shit!" Spike walked over to the stage trying to swagger but just looking like he'd crapped himself, "Get down monkey boy."  
"Woo! Hee!" Xander screeched & grinned, "Hey Spike man! Busy with the keyboardy thing! Leave a tip okay! Wooo!!! The Stinkiee Wookiees rock!" Xander pointed to a huge jar with the Tatooine equivalent of 50cents in. A few people came & took money out of the jar while others poured their drinks on Xanders head, "They love me!"  
"Sure," Spike said as he emptied the jar into his coat pocket.  
Obi-Wan & Spike left the pub.  
"Why did you steal from him?" asked Obi-Wan as he bought some chokie.  
"I'm not listening to Xander Harris play keyboard without getting paid for it."  
  
"What is that?" Asked Obi-Wan pointing at the back of a person that had t'wilek tentacles duct taped to the back of her head.  
"I dunno. She looks stupid though. Lets go make fun of her," Spike said as he tried to swagger again.  
"Hey, there, funny lookin'," Spike said to the person.  
She turned around very fast, "Spike!"  
"Dawn? What are you doing here?"  
"I joined the t'wileks!" she said as she readjusted her tentacles.  
"Take those stupid thing off of your head," Spike said ripping the duct tape & some of dawn's hair off, "Does this mean that all of us are here? Great. I was perfectly happy at the thought of it just being Xander & me here. I mean I would never have to go back to that pub so it might as well have just been me."  
"What's Xander doing?"  
"He's playing keyboard with The Stinkiee Wookiees at The Jiant Jawa," said Obi-Wan trying to be part of the conversation.  
"Who are you?" asked Dawn.  
"That's Obi-Wan. I flew out of his toilet. Obi-Wan don't talk." said Spike patting him on the back," So what happened to Buffy?"  
"She married Boba Fett & became one of Tatooine's best bounty hunters."  
"That's the best they could think up for her?"  
"I guess. I gotta go! My presence is requested at Sebulba's apartment," Dawn ran off before a complaint could be made.  
  
"You know you get the bad end of the deal," Spike said as he pinched a shopkeepers butt.  
"How so?"  
"Well you end up having a really evil guy as your apprentice. In the end, he kills you. Got in with a bad crowd. You know how it goes."  
"Who was the bad crowd?" asked Obi-Wan as he examined a rancor skin lightsaber holder.  
"I think the blokes name was Palpatine. Ya' know that if we kill him your life wouldn't mostly be lived in hiding on this sand box."  
"I end up here all of my life!"  
"I'm gonna kill Palpatine. Could be fun you know."  
  
"I need to find a lou, man," said Spike as he waddled through the streets of Tatooine.  
"There's a bush over there," said Obi-Wan.  
"Where, there?"  
"There, there! Behind that building."  
"How did you know that?" asked Spike, "Sorry. Stupid question."  
"What is that?"  
"It's the bush!"  
"I'm not peeing in a bush on a crowded street in a desert! That's not even a bush! It looks like a weed!" said Spike as he studied the mechanics of peeing behind the weed, "How would you get down there without being seen even?!"  
"Sorry, my bad."  
Spike was about to confront him on his bad use of Ebonics when he heard a familiar lovers spat. "No you do the spell," said Tara, "Your better at it than I am."  
"No you can baby," replied Willow.  
"Ugh, I think I'm gonna be ill," said Spike as he zipped up his fly, not noticing the Jawa watching him awkwardly.  
"It's just a Jawa. Like he cares," said Obi-Wan trying to make him feel better.  
"Not that. Them," he said pointing at Willow & Tara, who were chanting over a sick baby rancor. "There was a Jawa watching me?"  
Spike & Obi-Wan walked toward them as the baby rancor got up & ate the awkward Jawa.  
"Hey, there witch women. What's shakin'," asked Spike as he tried to be all big baddish.  
"Which witch is which witch?" asked Obi-Wan looking mock confused.  
"Not funny. What are you ladies doing saving the life of a rancor?" asked Spike.  
"Don't any of you know that rancors are the bad guys?" said Obi-Wan mocking Spike.  
"That's right," said Spike not catching the joke. "Didn't any of you watch the movies?"  
"Actually the Hutts have been trying to extinguish the rancor population because of them depleting the Jawa population."  
They all stared at Obi-Wan for a while until Willow broke the silence, "Would you like a spell?" she said cheerily.  
"Um, no."  
"Spike, would you like a spell?" asked Tara.  
"No," said Spike shortly. "What are you doing anyways?"  
"We're giving out spells to the unfortunate," said Willow.  
"You're healing the little Wicca Jawas of their baby's diaper rash?"  
"Sure. Why not?"  
"I dunno, just kinda odd," where do you get your supplies?"  
"Giles started a new Magic Box. It's called The Sand Box," said Tara.  
"Oh, bloody hell."  
"How do you know that hell is bloody?" asked Obi-Wan.  
"I found out an interesting piece of information too. Xander's playing keyboard."  
Tara looked horrified & Willow just looked defeated. "I told him not to play keyboard when we were little kids & he broke the neighbors car windows," said Willow. "Where is he playing?" "The Jiant Jawa," said Obi-Wan. "He plays with the Stinkiee Wookiees." 


End file.
